QUIDNUNC: Aurora needs more offensive statues

If Aurora wants to make the big time, and Lord knows Aurora desperately wants to make the big time, we’ve got to up the ante of distrust and angst

QUID HAS HEARD that there’s just not enough troublemakers in the state’s third-largest non-suburban Mecca for peace and tranquility. Seems that as cities across the country erupt into marches and mischief these days, Aurora is as uppity as the various colors of beige that make up too many of the city’s homes. The problem is statues, the lack of them, and people with enough time on their hands to care about such things. All over The South, this week, there’s a world of upset righty tighties agonizing over the potential loss of endless statues of Confederate forces that are about to be toppled by way lefty folks who’ve decided once and for all, The North won. Your faithful servant would like to point out that nobody cared a lick about these statues except endless generations of pigeons. They found these old southern war criminals with confusing names greatly relieving to their fowl daily lives. Now, everybody seems to care since America’s Historian In Chief pointed out what’s what. Who knew that George Washington, who fought to create the country, was just like Jefferson Davis, who fought to destroy the country? All this leaves yours truly feeling left out. What Aurora needs are more offensive statues. There’s the MLK statue at the Colfax library in his honor. But, Martin Luther King didn’t kill anybody or repress and enslave generations of people, so it’s unlikely someone here will take off a day or miss a good TV night to topple his likeness. There’s the goddess Aurora in the faux-fountain thing on I-225 and Abilene Street. She’s not offensive, sadly, but she’s not much of anything. Looking like a ship figurehead, she seems to be lonely enough to welcome a few protesters. Much more offensive is the obscene traffic flow of the intersection there. It was built to accommodate the fact that Colorado made Aurora pay for their own interchange because all the state money had to go to build interchanges for metro communities that had real clout. But your humble affiant digresses. If city officials were to offer a free concert, free beer and decent barbecue, we might be able to whip up enough folks to protest in Expo Park around the Letter A statues. Useful only to journalists and only when they need a place to shoot weather shots, Quid supposes we could work up a case for ending the exclusion of equally important letters of the alphabet. We all know that the letter “A” is responsible for many bad words. Quid suggests adding an “F” for fun, or some other equally gregarious vowel. If Aurora wants to make the big time, and Lord knows Aurora desperately wants to make the big time, we’ve got to up the ante of distrust and angst. It’s doubtful this city is up to the task.

AND THAT’S ALL THE NEWS THAT FITS.