Dave Perry

PERRY: Bully for you, even if legislators try and outlaw them this year

PERRY: Bully for you, even if legislators try and outlaw them this year

Of course you can’t outlaw meanness any more than you can outlaw stupidity

PERRY: Aurora Police botched sex-case allegation is an unparalleled failure, and the media played our part

PERRY: Aurora Police botched sex-case allegation is an unparalleled failure, and the media played our part

I wouldn’t pretend to be in a position to know if Stahl did or did not do what police originally accused him of. I only know that cops have so appallingly botched this case, and possibly Stahl’s life, that police must now seek outside help from another police department to make at least some effort to clean up this despicable mess

PERRY: The end of diplomacy — Close Colorado roads to out-of-staters, we’re full

PERRY: The end of diplomacy — Close Colorado roads to out-of-staters, we’re full

We have no choice but to close the state borders. Until we close public schools so we can spend all the money on asphalt and ski trains, or raise gasoline taxes or tolls, we’re going to have to start turning people away. Sorry.

PERRY: If you could read, Aurora, these folks think you might weep about how sad your lives are

PERRY: If you could read, Aurora, these folks think you might weep about how sad your lives are

So it was Aurora’s turn to make the list, being grouped in with other sullied, vapid communities like Anaheim, Calif.; San Antonio, Texas and Mesa, Ariz., clearly iconic bastions of stupidity you never knew about because you can’t read

PERRY: Spanking is just another wrong instance of adult hands on kids’ butts

PERRY: Spanking is just another wrong instance of adult hands on kids’ butts

My parents pretty much abandoned spankings as I grew older and chose, instead, to hang out in recliners in a coma of disbelief that one child could get into so much trouble, every day

PERRY — Mad math: State lawmakers say more guns in public schools will net fewer shootings

PERRY — Mad math: State lawmakers say more guns in public schools will net fewer shootings

So do you want your kid taking a chance in the hallway as gunfire erupts between Johnny Nutball and Dead-Eye Dan the Janitor? I didn’t think so. Do you want the shakiest gun in the west wing pointing her heater at the classroom door as everyone cowers in the back of the room only to shoot dead some poor kid who comes in looking for a place to hide?

PERRY: The mystery of flight easier to unravel than Colorado’s orange obsession

PERRY: The mystery of flight easier to unravel than Colorado’s orange obsession

I don’t understand what would make a fan of anything dye their hair orange or wear a barrel. It is, as any Vulcan would note, illogical. Is it the thin metro air? Too much sun? Something in the water? A lack of better sporting options? What?

PERRY: Last call for common sense when it comes to closing time laws

PERRY: Last call for common sense when it comes to closing time laws

It makes sense. If you’ve worked in a hopping bar, you know what a nightmare last call can be. About half the bar rushes to order as much booze as they can, and then they rush to pound it to avoid having employees snatching their vodka tonics. So multiply that by a few thousand people twice a week in the middle of the night in a short distance of each other, and you’ve got trouble

PERRY: Freaky liberal loathing for Aurora’s new radar love

PERRY: Freaky liberal loathing for Aurora’s new radar love

Once again, bleeding heart, commie, pinko liberals like me are in the position of begging conservative types on the Aurora City Council to back off the Big-Brother-government-backed-nannyism-Obamanation-police-state-tactics when it comes to Aurora traffic enforcement. I hate it when that happens.

PERRY: Legislature, despite 2014 election, needs to suck it up and get to work

PERRY: Legislature, despite 2014 election, needs to suck it up and get to work

The end run by right-wing-nuts around Colorado’s easy-going political system has added a new, sordid dimension to Colorado politics