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Dave Perry: Preoccupations

Editor of the Aurora Sentinel

Dave Perry: Preoccupations

PERRY: Talking to the hand when employees are beheaded

Somebody needs to address Planet Flack and tell them to no longer advise clients and politicians to say they are, “deeply saddened” by tragedies, especially when the tragedy is a workplace beheading.

After one employee cut the head off another in Moore, Oklahoma, a Vaughan foods processing plant spokeswoman said the company was, “shocked and deeply saddened” by the attack.”

People are deeply saddened when a long-loved pet dies or even when a car crash takes the life of a well-liked celebrity.

“Deeply saddened” is too close to “hate it when that happens” kind of a thing. Thankfully, workplace beheadings aren’t so commonplace, yet, that “deeply saddened” fits the bill.

“Mortified” “Outraged” and “Totally freaked out,” are OK in this instance.

Read the story here

— Dave Perry, Editor

PERRY: Snarky Jeffco students teach board about history in the remaking Dave Perry: Preoccupations

PERRY: Snarky Jeffco students teach board about history in the remaking

What kind of a crappy country has this turned into when our own offspring defy our will, either out of contempt, ignorance or exasperation?

Jeffco schools officials just found out.

Three breathtakingly naive members of the Jefferson County School Board had their neo-conservative hopes and dreams dashed this week. Their fantasies of easily turning back the clock on American society to the righteous 1950s and sending the country’s vulgar liberals back to urban underground clubs where they belong, were nuked — by kids. Children. Even wealthy white children from conservative schools and neighborhoods. Undone by teenagers, the media and that damned Twitter thing. It’s been Lord of the Flies on an island of tract housing.

Trouble started in Jeffco, encompassing 155 schools and 84,000 students, last year when three new board members, Julie Williams, Ken Witt, and John Newkirk, created a conservative voting block on the five-member board. They made it clear they would instill their values in the school district with their votes. Critics say these three board members are extremists, not mere conservatives. So you decide.

To be fair, which is pretty hard to do to a group of people who treat fairness as a sissy character flaw to be rooted out like bedwetting, there’s a lot of misinformation flooding the intertubes about what the Jeffco school board did and didn’t do when they were accused of trying to hide the Holocaust from high-school history students. They didn’t do that. Jeffco, like every school district in the country, is trying to keep up with national Advanced Placement U.S. History class issues. Those in charge of the national test, which awards possible future college credit, have too much time on their hands and rewrite objectives more often than most politicians rewrite their past. So the new school board members decided this is a good time and place to weigh in on how lefty history teachers should no longer be able to brainwash kids with their liberal bent. Williams wrote that a new committee should be created to review history materials to ensure U.S. history is presented as “positive.” And students should be encouraged to be “respectful” of authority and shun civil disobedience.

Given that Williams, Witt and Newkirk are tea party heroes, the irony makes lampooning this mess all the more fun.

Liberals and conservatives alike are aghast at how ridiculous the school board’s attempt to control kids through propaganda really was. The problem is, these three school board members and plenty of others like them have watched Fox News parody programs for so long, they thought it really worked. Tell people something long enough, no matter how outrageous or stupid, and they’ll eventually think it’s true, especially if it’s something they want to hear.

The problem is, it only works for a while. Real history is full of cases where the truth outed. Germany was not more powerful than everything. The French underclasses did not want to eat cake. Hollywood was not trying to turn the country into a cesspool of communism.

What’s so shocking about how these three school board members could make such an error in judgment, is that they all have kids, clearly very smart kids. Their own children are so smart they fooled their parents into thinking they believed what their parents told them, because their parents told them it was so.

Ask my daughter about my intellectual credentials. She will quickly tell you that I am a smart guy, and I am almost always wrong. I don’t have a clue about what it’s like to be a kid these days. I can’t dance. I can’t run. I don’t get it that classical music is just boring. I am an odd household pet that is both annoying and somehow important in ways that aren’t worth thinking about. She is just like I was at 19. And if you told me then, or now, that I’d better shut up and listen? Yeah. You were there, too.

Williams, Newkirk and Witt, like so many in the extreme-right movement, get blown away when confronted with the fact that you can’t force people to live a lie for any length of time.

We should never try and put a positive spin on things like American slavery or bans on gay marriage. They’re embarrassing atrocities that, thankfully, we have and are moving past. The bombing of Hiroshima? Positive? We nuked a big city, not a battlefield. We would never do it again, and that’s because smart Americans have learned from the mistake that Hiroshima was.

Every good parent teaches their children to look long and hard at their failures to understand them and to move beyond. For the sake of their political careers and that of the Jeffco school district, Williams, Newkirk and Witt need to learn from this little slice of local history and learn from it, too. But if they don’t see it for what it really is, all is lost.

— Editor Dave Perry

Aurora Politics

5 things I’m watching for in tonight’s Denver Post CD6 debate between Coffman and Romanoff

With a salute to Lynn Bartels: The Denver Post will webcast a live 1-hour debate between GOP Congressman Mike Coffman and Democratic Challenger Andrew Romanoff, former Colorado House speaker. Pundits are looking for new strategies and old war horses. Here’s what I think is important to watch:

1. Who’s still wearing pleated pants and who’s gotten the message to get those things to a local ARC store where they belong?

2. Who will be the candidate to remember to close their mouth when their opponent starts talking crap about them? Deduct 5 points for middle-aged mouth breathing.

3. Which candidate will say the first Spanish word or phrase? Related, who will say it using the best thick accent or while really rolling their r’s? Usted?

4.  Which candidate will make it clear that women are hot for their candidacy, even if they’re not hot for their autograph?

5. Which candidate will say more times how much they like/love/respect/admire/tolerate/stalk/tickle their opponent?

I hate to tell you to do this, but to see it all for yourself, go to DenverPost.com at 6 p.m. Tuesday Sept. 23. Just this once, though.

— Dave Perry, editor

PERRYBLOG: Ann Coulter teaches us, 'better hate than ever' Dave Perry: Preoccupations

PERRYBLOG: Ann Coulter teaches us, ‘better hate than ever’

I love conservative columnist Ann Coulter. If I read her latest rant and vehemently disagree, I know that: 1. I am still alive. 2. I’m still on the right track.

I read her blathering today about rescued Ebola doc Kent Brantly being nothing more than a thrill-seeking missionary who got what he deserved. Her argument is that we have enough poor, wretched heathens at home, why go shopping for more in a place like Africa? She figures Brantly is just a narcissistic cowboy who shot himself in the foot, running up a $2 million evac tab along the way. Brantly was tabbed a hero, trying to save people in Sierra Leon who contracted the Ebola Virus. He got the disease himself, nearly died and is now being treated in Atlanta, Georgia.

What do you know? I’m 1. Still alive, and 2. Still on the right track.

I didn’t wake up this morning thinking that I would be defending Christian missionaries. My objection to their work comes from a different tact. They tend to end up places in the world where people already have plenty of problems. They don’t need Christian-vs -Everyone-Wars on top of their plights. That’s another story.

This story is about Coulter being dead wrong, again.  I know first-hand there are plenty of Christian do-gooders that get into the business because they want to right wrongs and help miserable people be less miserable, here and all over the planet. These people have two things that Coulter doesn’t: charity and compassion. They aren’t charitable and compassionate because they’re Christians, they’re Christians because they’re charitable and compassionate. Whether they believe all or parts of the God and Jesus story, I’m really not sure. I am sure that they believe in what they get out of reading about God and Jesus. Rather than working hard to stone homosexuals and adulterers, fight against birth control, promote guns, warfare and their religion, they work to feed starving people, take care of the sick, build houses, bury the dead, stuff like that. I’ve known these people first hand. The Rev. Lucia Guzman, now a state senator, and Sister Michael Mary Eagen, Aurora and Denver’s champion of the poor, come to mind. Both women have been on the front lines of Christianity, and both women are giants when it comes to compassion and activism for humans who don’t have great jobs and summer homes. Narcissistic toads? Hardly. They’re both confident and relentless. They probably would even have something kind to say about Coulter.

I, however,  don’t. She’s a nasty pseudo-intellectual who gets her jollies riling up a bunch of backward, paranoid bigots and xenophobes. Coulter is one of those people who believes everything in the Universe falls into two categories: American and un-American. Poor people dying of horrible diseases outside of the United States are somehow different than those who are suffering in Texas. People like Dick Cheney and Sarah Palin see the world that way, too. But people like Brantly see Africans just as people. Just like us.

That’s a concept Coulter and her clan can’t wrap their heads around. She wants to know why Brantly doesn’t take care of problems at home first, pointing out that people here have abortions, children without being married, and die from prescription drug overdoses. Coulter is the kind of person who thinks that, somehow, cataclysms in a country where so many die from Ebola Virus and AIDS is comparable to what’s happening to people in Cincinnati, Ohio.

Whether they’re there in the name of Jesus, Sponge Bob or Doctors Without Borders, I’m glad guys like Brantly want to go to wretched places where calamities are happening, in hopes of making things better for the people living through those nightmares. Coulter would never listen to the likes of someone like me. Perhaps somewhere in history someone could speak to Coulter. Someone she could relate to.  Maybe she and Marie Antoinette might have cake and tea together and talk about what can happen when the little people are expected to be someone else’s problem.

— Editor Dave Perry

PERRYBLOG: The Colorado Symphony Orchestra deserves a better home — in Aurora Dave Perry: Preoccupations

PERRYBLOG: The Colorado Symphony Orchestra deserves a better home — in Aurora

Here’s your big chance to hit the high note, Aurora. Ray Rinaldi of the Denver Post is reporting today that it looks like rumors about Denver wanting to oust the Colorado Symphony Orchestra from its home at the Boettcher Concert Hall at the Denver Center for Performing Arts looks are true. The Post reports that the leading idea for the space is to tear it down and build an outdoor amphitheater. The symphony would have to suck eggs or shack up with Opera Colorado and the Colorado Ballet at the Ellie Caulkins Opera House.

Sad. Very sad. Denver already has an outdoor amphitheater, Red Rocks. A smaller one at Civic Center Park is nothing to sneeze at. If the complaint is that the aging Boettcher Hall doesn’t get enough use, just wait until a Downtown Denver outdoor theater sits vacant 6-9 months a year.

Oh well. Their loss could be Aurora’s big gain. Here’s what we should do. Let’s build the CSO a new home right here. Right at City Center, where the new light-rail line will stop. We can show Colorado that Aurora has the class and classics and classes that Denver’s so anxious to snub. The beloved symphony is just getting started with plans to make what they do more accessible and available to everyone in the metro area. Realize, of course, that the minute the CSO moves into new Aurora digs, they bring with them Tier II status dollars from the Science and Cultural Facilities District. Funding, folks, real funding. In addition to that, the symphony has a loyal following that wants to see the CSO get the respect it deserves. This symphony is innovative, talented and world class. An Aurora center could underscore that instead of sniff at it.

That money and influence could help offset operating expenses for a cultural arts complex in Aurora that has a concert hall as its focal point, complete with other theaters studios and venues that permit a wide range of classical and contemporary concerts, theater, dance and comedy. The complex could house the Aurora History Museum and art studios or even a museum.

This is your chance, Aurora, to make good on decades of ignoring City Center and cultural facilities needs. The site is perfect for a facility like this. It’s near at RTD bus hub. It will be connected to the rest of the region’s RTD light-rail line, allowing easy light-rail access from everywhere. And the site at East Alameda and Sable Boulevard is minutes from Lowry and is easily accessible from I-225.

Best of all, an Aurora cultural arts facility with the Colorado Symphony Orchestra as the centerpiece would finally define what City Center, hundreds of prime acres, will be. Aurora and developers have been struggling to figure out just what to do with a giant chunk of valuable, empty real estate that’s going to have excellent commuter access and a light-rail line. This is it. Instead of a smattering of chain restaurants and ho-hum shops, Aurora can makes this an arts Mecca. This is where the metro area will come for their kids’ dance classes, choir practice, violin lessons. This is where endless summer camps are held and ballet recitals occur. The metro area spends hundreds of millions of dollars on the arts and arts education and everything associated with them. Aurora can parlay this site, some cash, its growing influence, a prime piece of real estate and the goodwill of thousands of CSO supporters into something its been missing for decades.

Don’t sneer. Just think about. The Aurora Center for Colorado Arts. Sounds good.

— Editor Dave Perry

PERRYBLOG: Coloradans have faith in their boss's religion and good health Dave Perry: Preoccupations

PERRYBLOG: Coloradans have faith in their boss’s religion and good health

You can’t hum while holding your nose closed.

Weird huh?

You knew you thought you could. It’s so odd, illogical and stupid, that you can’t believe it’s true. Just as implausible? Half of Colorado backs the recent U.S. Supreme Court decision allowing Hobby Lobby owners to prevent its health insurance company from offering some forms of birth control — because of the company owners’ religious preferences.

Weird huh?

When I read the results of that recent Quinnipiac poll this morning, I flashed back to the day Sen. John McCain introduced Sarah Palin as his presidential running mate. It was just too odd, too illogical to fathom.

Why? Why would anyone think it’s a good idea to let employers dictate what health care services are and aren’t offered to employees based on the religious beliefs of the employer?

But sure as chickens dream, half of adults in Colorado think it’s a good idea to let bosses decide which form of birth control their insurance plan can and cannot offer. This became an issue because Hobby Lobby owner David Green is serious about his extreme Oklahoma religion. Leaders of his church have told him some forms of modern birth control are sinful. Green objects that under federal healthcare laws, birth control prescribed by doctors is considered a medical issue and must be treated that way by insurance companies.

Here’s what you may not know. Green is a Pentecost. You know, the people who gather on Sundays for some serious praising and sometimes end up speaking in “tongues” and writhing with the spirit. This is a religion that believes in faith healing, where you put your hands on cancer victims and draw the “holy spirit” into a body to do what doctors can’t or even haven’t had the opportunity to try.

That’s Green’s religion. That’s what’s driving the health-care decisions for Hobby Lobby employees.

As U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg pointed out, this extraordinary decision could allow companies to dictate to insurance companies what health services are not covered, based on the religious preference of company owners. Since this same court has ruled that corporations are people, just about any corporation can assume a religious doctrine dictating what the company health plan will or won’t pay for. While Justice Samuel Alito said this ruling affects only birth control, it opens the doors for states sympathetic to such nonsense to write laws allowing greater leeway into shaping employee health benefits. Under a likely Texas law, if your boss’s religion doesn’t allow for blood transfusions or blood-based treatments, such as those often used for leukemia, you’re on your own. If that means you hemorrhage and die on the operating table because you can’t afford to pay for such services, and the courts haven’t sorted all this out, well, then it’s because the Lord decided it was time to call you home.

I guess a lot of Colorado residents think, “it’s just birth control — no big deal.” But don’t think for a second that people who believe God will keep you well if you’re bitten by a poisonous snake or drink poison, or that your holy underwear can keep you safe from fire and Satan, would be unable to wreak untold havoc in your personal life. I think this is a good place to point out that almost every deadly skirmish on the planet these days stems from disagreements about religion.

We’re not talking about casserole-carrying Lutherans from the Midwest here. The special undies and snake dancing faithful are the kinds of religious disciples motivated to decide what your health insurance should and shouldn’t cover, or what you should or shouldn’t wear to work. Since corporations are people, and you really have no idea who or what runs the corporations these days, Saudi Muslim money unhappy with the way American women dress at work could easily dictate head coverings and modest, full-length dresses. The Supreme Court said that when serious religious convictions are at stake, they must be appreciated.

This has all shocked me. What conservative thinks it’s a good idea for anyone to impose their religion on another American? If any one offense seems to be agreed upon here, it’s that one. The Baptists don’t want the Jews or the Catholics telling them what to do, ever. Forcing anyone’s religion on another person is about as un-American as you can get without snatching their guns.

All I can think of is that too many Colorado residents are misled about the decision, or they’re just not paying attention. It was a bad call that opens a door to all kinds of bizarre problems, and if you don’t think someone will try and run with this, think again, long and hard. In what way have the majority of employers not consistently looked for ways to get more from their employees and pay less for it? What religion, other than your own, do you think should be advising health insurance companies and doctors about meting out care? Honestly, do you even trust your own religion’s leaders to make health-care decisions for you?

I didn’t think so. While we may be cavalier about the dilemma’s of others, when it comes to our own lives, we want science to call the shots for science, not politicians, lawyers or religious leaders.

It’s unclear how Americans are going to be able to protect themselves from their employer’s religious convictions. But there’s little doubt that some brave lawmakers in Colorado or Congress with give it a shot.  And when they do, they’re going to need your support. If we permit the country’s employers to make even some health-care decisions for some employees on some religious principles, none of us will have a prayer.

PERRYBLOG: Crafty Supreme Court pact brings that old time religion into your life Dave Perry: Preoccupations

PERRYBLOG: Crafty Supreme Court pact brings that old time religion into your life

Dear fellow employees:

The noble Supreme Court decision this morning, ensuring that the Creator and not the Obamanator dictate your health care plan, brings good news — to us.

I’m sure you’re aware that the better-than-average-people who own the Hobby Lobby women’s emporium were saddened and dismayed that Obamanation Care forced them to offer birth control to female employees, who have graciously been offered positions there. They, like the rest of us who not only read the Good Book but live it, know that birth control for womenfolk means two things: wanton tarts doing salacious things when they’re not at work, and uppity wives empowered to decide when the brood should arrive, rather than the man of the house or the Man Upstairs.

It’s not that Hobby Lobby, nor I, would dare to intervene in your personal lives, because as devout-ees, we’re rugged individualists. In respect for my religion, however, I must thank the five, clear-thinking Supreme Court Justices who get it — the religious thing. They understand that things like ulcers, alopecia, Saturday night headaches and erectile dysfunction are medical problems that warrant real medical care. And they understand that a little pill that interrupts Aunt Rosie visits or casual uterine implants have nothing to do with medicine, any more so than does a woman who just can’t handle her monthlies and keep them to herself. The Good Book makes it clear that it was women’s original sin that brought cramps and endometriosis upon their kind, not The Company.

Thanks to Justice Scalia et al,  I think you’ll understand now that it isn’t The Supervisors who need to intervene in what is and isn’t covered in health care, it’s The Guy.

So I’m sure you’ll all agree with me that nothing but good will come from our decision to require our health-care provider to drop coverage for any drinking-related ailments, as well as any treatment for sexually transmitted diseases. Likewise, any treatment needed for smoking or tobacco-related issues is not covered by our medical plan. If you have been smite with lung cancer or COPD for your irresponsible and evil ways, we suggest you repent rather than undergo costly chemotherapy. Clearly, medical attention for those vices and sins is offensive to even tepid believers. The Supreme Court understands why The Company shouldn’t have to pay for the loose morals of employees, so should you. On a related note, you might not previously have been aware of the Sin of Sloth. You will be soon, because our insurance company has been instructed to deny claims for anyone whose maladies include or are related to being fat and lazy. If your body mass index is above 22, you need to pray for strength or good genetics.

Similarly, we have instructed our insurance company to not pay claims for non-church-related injuries that occur on the Lord’s Day. If you choose to ski or bike on Sundays rather than repent your evil ways, as instructed throughout the Good Book, then you can either wait until Monday to get your twisted knee looked at or pay out of pocket. There are no exceptions for Jews and their erroneous sabbath. They are, however, not excluded entirely from the plan in ways other than are all heathens.

Rest assured, however, that good men injured in the acts of The Truth, such as stoning their adulterous wives or trying to wrestle Satan from the naked bodies of homosexuals, will certainly be eligible for proper  treatment.

We thank the high court for understanding that when corporations are people, and when companies are people, all the right things happen, and they will soon be happening to you.

— Aurora Sentinel Editor Dave Perry

PERRYBLOG: First cats and dogs, now this for Aurora City Desk

PERRYBLOG: First cats and dogs, now this for Aurora

AURORA | Legalized pot and Focus on the Family. World-class skiing and cattle drives. Colorado is a land of stark contrasts. Aurora is no exception. Behind an office park is a field full of deserty prickly pear nestled among delicate, cold-loving wild lupine — both in bloom at the same time. You gotta love this state.

— Dave Perry, editor

Dave Perry: Preoccupations

PERRYBLOG: Nothing says love like, “your writing makes me poop”

I’m all weepy over a reader’s call this morning thanking us here at the Aurora Sentinel for the “incredible public service” we provide —  not only to the community, but the world at large.

He went on to say that his “pipe has been clogged up for three days.” He takes a copy of the Aurora Sentinel into the can, starts reading this week’s Dave Perry column and, voila!, “better than any laxative in the whole world.”

Feeling the love and glad to know that at least one reader is no longer full of it.

— Dave Perry, editor

PERRYBLOG: No Dowd about it, Colorado's edible pot begs patience Dave Perry: Preoccupations

PERRYBLOG: No Dowd about it, Colorado’s edible pot begs patience

Few things say, “Oh, God, I love staring at my naval,” as does writing a column about somebody else’s column about getting high.

But I can’t let New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd’s public drug-overdose confession smolder any longer. Dowd came to Denver a few weeks ago to get a firsthand feel for the hedonist life we’ve permitted ourselves starting in January when it became legal to buy dope.

Dowd hooked up with folks from one of the state’s ganja-tourism services, My 420 Tours, who told her what’s what and took her around to some pot shops, according to Dowd and the Denver Post’s Cannabist website. She bought a juiced-up candy bar, didn’t follow the directions, ate too much, saw Jesus or something during an uncomfortable eight-hour trip and ended up riding Mary Jane around her hotel room while never leaving her bed.

I know a lot of us have been there, but we were just starting college in the ‘70s.

Some days later, she penned an amusing column, essentially admonishing folks here for not taking our rocky mountain high life seriously. She more than implied that she waltzed in and out of a pot shop and was left to her own devices on how to dose herself to a higher plain. Since then, the people she actually spent time with have made it clear they told Dowd, repeatedly, about the dangers of eating too much dope. And despite what she wrote, there really are instructions and warnings on all edible pot products in Colorado. Whether through naivete or forgetfulness, this child of the ‘60s forgot Rule No. 1 when it comes to inserting mind-altering substances in the ol’ pie hole: wait.

If you’ve forgotten, too, eating the right amount of hash in your browns, orange in your sunshine, mush in your rooms or mescaleez in your quick is tricky business. The temptation is always to eat a little more because, “I don’t feel anything yet.” This of course leads to the sensation of a sudden and violent increase in Earth’s gravity, obscenely self-conscious mouth breathing and a lot of “oh-my-god’s.”

In one memorable moment of my youth, I didn’t wait for Pot Brownie No. 2 and about two hours on the floor of the Ogden Theater, laughing uncontrollably, watching my equally stupid pal instead of the weekly midnight antics of the “Rocky Horror Picture Show,” and then wandering around Colfax for what must have been weeks. In Dowd’s case, she got clobbered by the kush fairy after not waiting for Dose No. 1 to kick in before eating way too much dope.

“… I felt a scary shudder go through my body and brain. I barely made it from the desk to the bed, where I lay curled up in a hallucinatory state for the next eight hours. I was thirsty but couldn’t move to get water. Or even turn off the lights. I was panting and paranoid, sure that when the room-service waiter knocked and I didn’t answer, he’d call the police and have me arrested for being unable to handle my candy.

“I strained to remember where I was or even what I was wearing, touching my green corduroy jeans and staring at the exposed-brick wall. As my paranoia deepened, I became convinced that I had died and no one was telling me.”

Immediately, a country full of people who have no idea how much they’d hate her if they knew she was Public Liberal Media Hack Enemy No. 1, and all the people who do hate her because she’s Public Liberal Media Hack Enemy No. 1, were siding with her and quoting her and clucking their tongues about “See? See how real reefer madness really is? See?”

I have to admit, while reading Dowd’s column I raced toward the end to see at what point she joined an orgy in the hotel elevator or found herself handcuffed in the back of a cattle car on the way to eastern Europe to be a sex slave. As it turns out, she spent the night trying to wish herself out of her high.

The parallels to reality Dowd and others overlook are painful: booze. The back of my favorite beer bottles admonish me to “drink responsibly” and not at all if I’m pregnant. I painfully remember my first encounter with Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill and thinking, “Wow. This shit tastes great.”

What harm could come from another little glass? Or four? I didn’t see Jesus that night, but, man, did I see stars when me and my date fell in an old mining hole on the Rooney Ridge as we were “flying” across the hill in the dark. I had dry heaves for three days. To this day, I won’t even make eye contact with anyone named Boone. Shudder.

Guess what I learned at age 17? Soda-pop wine packs a wallop. Southern Comfort really smells awful when your expelling it through your nose. Wait before you have a little more, and just don’t have a lot. Just don’t.

Now I’m in my fifties. Guess what? I so vividly remember the nausea from too much booze and the “oh-my-god’s” from too much dope, that I make a concerted effort to never, ever, go there again.

Now don’t mistake me here. I’m by no means telling out-of-towners that they’re just fun crushers by not endorsing our newfound high-life here in Colorado, or that the edible pot industry doesn’t need to make a host of changes to ensure we’re all going to be OK with this newfound fun-distry. I’ve considered that Dowd comes from a part of the world where the city tells people when to stop drinking soda pop and everyone works hard to not know or see each other in public. So maybe we should have different rules for people who even in their sixties might be at risk of waking up on the bathroom floor, snuggled up to an empty Annie Green Springs pillow, or eating the entire jar of salted peanuts at one sitting, or getting stuck on the top of a totem pole after sampling a few too many shrooms on a gorgeous summer night. Clearly, I would advise Dowd and her sympathizers to avoid many other Colorado offerings, such as skiing, rafting, ice-climbing, fourteening, mountain biking, backpacking and the like. You get pretty high, but if you don’t pay attention to what you’re doing, the consequences can be much more tragic.

Enough already. I’m a lifelong fan of Dowd, and I sympathetically suggest she and others follow my lead in just licking the kushy candy bars instead of actually eating them and finding endless wonders in where their umbilical cords used to be.

— Editor Dave Perry